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RANT: Why I Hate Port a Potties |
Date: 2007-10-27, 1:44PM CDT
I have been working for Habitat for Humanity doing construction for the
past 10 months, and while I love my job, by far the worst part is
dealing with port a potties.
Yesterday, I was at the worksite and I just couldn't hold it in any
longer. I went into our port-a-potty and sat down to poo. For anyone
who has used port-a-potties a lot, you know that one of the terrible
side effects, aside from the general grossness of port a potties, is
the feeling of blue chemically laced pee/poo sludge water from previous
users splashing back in/on your butt as you drop one from about three
feet up.
To deal with this, I have come up with a variety of techniques,
including my favorite, placing a little toilet paper raft into the poo
hole to catch your poo and drop it gently into the vat of shit, however
this isn't always possible when the shit vat has not yet changed phase
from liquid --> solid sludge. I also try to shape my poo into longer
logs in order to lessen the drop and reduce impact upon point of
contact with liquid.
So there I was, trying to wiggle my butt into a long log of poop, when
it broke off in the middle and *splash*, there goes the most vile filth
splashing everywhere on my ass. It is times like this recently when I
pause, sigh, and ask God why he does these things when I am trying to
do good things for the world and be a good person.
I reach over to the toilet paper roll to wipe off this nastiness as
best as I can, and as I do so, pause, sigh, and ask God why he does
these things as I notice that there is no toilet paper in the port a
potty.
After weighing my options for a few seconds, I realize I'm just going
to have to zip up and deal. As I'm pulling up my pants, feeling this
gross sludge drip down my leg, and having an existentialist moment
questioning life, I walk ten feet over to our government van to see if
there is any sort of paper product I can use to wipe up without my
coworkers noticing.
I spend about five minutes looking around, and the most absorbent thing
I have found up to this point is a bunch of crayola crayon wrappers,
which I am seriously considering stripping off the crayons and using.
However, a few moments later I spot out of the corner of my eye a
cottonny-looking thing. It is a maxi pad.
"No, I can't do this," I think to myself. "This is beyond ridiculous."
But ridiculous times cause for ridiculous deeds, and I think What Would
MacGuyver Do as I grab the pad and go back to the port a potty. After
wiping myself off, I look at this blue water stained, poo stained, pee
stained maxi pad and think, "What on earth am I going to do with this
thing?" I think back to high school chemistry class and buoyancy vs.
density. Will this maxi pad float above the shit-water and mock me,
being visible to everyone else who uses the port a potty for the rest
of the week? Or will it sink mercifully to the bottom, hiding all
evidence of my grossness? It is a tough and thoughtful decision, but
eventually I guess that the pad will sink, and boy am I happy when I am
right!
This temporary joy is fleeting, though, as I realize how pathetic I
have become at being happy that my shit-stained maxi pad is sinking to
my cheers and fist-pumping adulation - that is why I HATE port a
potties.
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